that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
