I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
