Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
this hospital has no fireball
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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