She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Someone came in the potted fern
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
