i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
