so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
ugly people sure do ruin things
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
