Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
