I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
