It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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