y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
