There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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