i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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