That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
