he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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