Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
