she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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