I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
