I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Houston, we have a blender
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
