He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
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