The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
