Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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