grandma shit on top of the toilet
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize