I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
