Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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