Barsexuality is the new black.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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