I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
