I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
