My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
