My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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