I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
FUCK WHALES
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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