someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
