Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
