he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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