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I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
