the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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