Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
