I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
