hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
