Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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