everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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