My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
