There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
