Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
