Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
