My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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