I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
