using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
