I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
