sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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