i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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