I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
