Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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