He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
