I skipped work to stalk him.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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