Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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