Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
