I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
