i was born a porn star she said
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
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