Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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