she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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