i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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