I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
