do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize