How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
